the man always waiting.

 
i have had so much on my heart lately that has just built up more and more these past two to three months. so many good + exciting + new things.. that i was too excited to just simply ask the Lord if it was from Him, or if it was just my impatient-ness. so tonight, i began just laying everything on my heart down before God. and one of the things that i've really, really struggled with that i wrote about is about things that don't eternally matter consuming my mind and effecting the way i spend my time- not using it to impact the God's Kingdom. and so tonight, i wrote. and for the record- i don't write. especially about stuff that reveals my heart.. but as i went back reading this i decided to put one of the things i wrote about on my blog. i wrote about how i've just been thinking about if God has a guy out there for me. and after this past year of how the Lord has changed me- and the things i want in a husband one day, are deep. i .will.not. settle for less than a Christ-CONSUMED man. i don't want a guy who just loves the Lord on Sundays and Wednesdays, or even a guy who just really loves the Lord. i want a man who is completely consumed by Christ- where we will lead each other not closer to ourselves- but closer to Christ- which teaches us to love each other more fully.



////

since june of last year all the way through september of this year, the thought of marriage or even dating a guy i could literally not even think about. i had no desire to date. i had been put through physically and emotionally enough hurt in past relationships. my outlook on marriage- and relationships in general- had been distorted from those relationships- ones based on what the world says love should look like, what i thought they should look like- not God. after i surrendered my life + my plans + desires + dreams + hurts + everything to the Lord in December of last year, God began showing me that's not how He intended marriage to look. marriage is good- when the man pursues the woman as Christ pursues the church- marriage is good when the woman submits herself to her husband, just as we as the church (followers of Christ) are to submit to Christ himself- marriage is good when the husband & wife are loving each other in this way as Christ says for us to love, because the sole point of marriage is to glorify CHRIST. not make ourselves temporarily satisfied. and so, God slowly began showing me a glimpse of the goodness that is in marriage. but still during this time- after learning more and more about the goodness of marriage, the thought of actually dating someone one day, getting married + be vulnerable wasn't even a question. so, i kinda started to feel like since i didn't have these desires anymore, that was God showing me marriage wasn't for me. but, slowly my desires have been + are changing.

& tonight, as i was laying this all out before God, i asked myself about what if God does have in His plans for me to get married in the future.. then obviously that means that all this waiting i've done, waiting for that guy will be worth it right…? you know, all those nights wondering if the guy i'm gonna marry is out there in the world somewhere. what he is doing. what choices he's made. what choices he is making. how the Lord is moving in his life right now. do i know him. do i not know him. if not, when will i meet him. asking all these questions while at the same time not knowing if even getting married one day is something God wants for my life. and the list could go on and on and on. i guess it's kinda a girl thing.

but what if God doesn't have in His plans for me to get married in the future? all that questioning, waiting, thoughts, time consumed waiting for this guy who isn't even real is wasted.. when i could have used that time waiting to expand the kingdom. serve God. serve others. love others. + more. and if God doesn't have marriage for me, will i still be content in God and God only? without a husband. without kids. without my own family. without a nice house. without another income. without all of those good things that come with marriage?

and honestly, it's not easy.

it's hard.. really hard. it's hard when the world says i should be married- or at least dating- to be content. it's hard when people my age begin to get married and having babies, when i can barely communicate with a guy without being awkward. it's hard meeting a guy whose heart is so completely fixed on the Lord and not be swept away by the thought that 'that just might be my who God has for me.' (don't act like you haven't done it.) and the list could go on.

and then a question came into my mind asking- is it God who i really, honestly, wholeheartedly want? or is it the good things God graciously gives? …that shouldn't even be a question for a Christ follower. for me. it's so easy for that thought to creep into our minds & proudly and innocently lie to ourselves and say it IS God and God only we want. but- is it really? because- if it is, we realize:

that time we have waiting and not knowing- we would use not for wasted moments, but eternal ones!

that family we desire- we have in the body of Christ!
those children we want- we have in children of Christ, in orphans, in love!
that beautiful house- we will have dwelling in God's very house one day!
those endless riches- we will have when we are one day with Christ!

plus so, so much more, sisters!

but above all of these good things, the greatest?

that husband, we as women so deeply, greatly, and passionately long for- we have IN CHRIST HIMSELF. and will [soon] be with face to face! whether we do or do not get married. being content in God- married or not- should never, never, never even be a question for a follower of Christ. that gives me chills to just think about.

even when we don't physically have all of these things in the way we think we should have them, STILL- we can rejoice! because sooner, than we think- so.much.sooner- we will have these things + more.

HE is always waiting for us, friends! HE IS THE [ONLY] MAN ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, WAITING FOR US. [yes- US.] please, please, please realize this. read it over and over again until you understand that- JESUS is the ONLY man who will always, always- ALWAYS be waiting for you.  our lifetime of waiting here in this temporary home, it will be worth every second + so much more than words could ever say. all of those days that feel too hopeless to even get through, or even think back to- they will be worth it!

and so, as i write this- i hope this encourages you to wait- and not just wait on a husband, but wait on God. because God has you where you are FOR A REASON. and it is up to you choose if you use it your way, or His- and He WILL use that, trust me. if you are waiting for a husband- use that time God has given you waiting & use it investing in things of eternal worth.

regardless of how impossible it seems- sisters, please just do not settle. it will save you so. much. pain. so much heartbreak. so much regret. so much of those things i + so many others wish we could take back. so much wasted time you could have been using for the Kingdom.

Christ- and Christ alone is enough for us!

06.10.13

If you are just now reading my blog, thanks for checking it out :)

So, if you didn't already know- I went to Africa for the first two weeks of June with my best friend. A lot of people have been asking me about my trip and how it was and everything... and it's just like I don't know what to say. There is so much. SO. MUCH. So when I tell people about the trip, I try to tell bits and parts... but I just feel like it's hopeless trying to explain it.. because it's just one of those things you have to see for yourself. But that is SO selfish of me to not tell of how God worked in Africa, just because I'm not good explaining things like this.

So, I pray that through my daily thoughts in this journal-blog-whatever, you see my words in a way you wouldn't normally by just hearing me tell you about it. I pray that God uses me to speak to every person who reads this. Whether because you saw it on twitter, facebook, pinterest, ACCIDENTLY clicked on the link.. or if you are like me and google "africa orphans missions blog" and anything of the sort trying to find a blog about missions in Africa. Whatever it is, I pray God SPEAKS.

So: while I was in Africa I kept a journal, and every night I was there I wrote in it. Which was the best thing I could have ever done. Within the time that I was there it's would have been easy to forget what happened in what order.. how it happened, and all that. So, I decided to write.

Normally, I wouldn't share something like this with the whole world. BUT stuff like this shouldn't be kept from other people. It should be SHARED with the world- that's why I'm doing this. This is also for all of my wonderful friends, family, and people who supported me in any way- emotionally, prayerfully, and financially. This opportunity would have never been possible without yall!

p.s.  I am not a writer, at all. I never write. I'm reallly add and I always get really off topic or ramble haha. So, as you are reading this and read of a person you have no idea who it is, or have no idea what is going on....keep that in mind.

on the way home/ day twelve.

I'm on the plane to go home now... I can't believe it. It has been two weeks. TWO WEEKS. We are headed to Paris and have said our official goodbyes to core team and Alyssa & Joe.

I'm not excited to go home. These two weeks have been two of the best weeks of my life, and now they're over... it all went by too fast. It's like as soon as I really started building my relationships with these kids, and these women, it was time to go home. I will be coming back to Africa. I really want to teach English here, but I'm not sure if it's just what I want or if it's really something God is calling me to. Which, I know it's easy to get back from a place and have all these crazy thoughts, but i feel like that's something I really would absolutely love to do.

I don't wanna forget what I've seen here in Africa the past two weeks. It's so easy to get so caught up in our normal every day routine of being so ungrateful.

I needed Africa more than Africa needed me.

day eleven.

Today was our last day. I thought it would be bittersweet leaving after two weeks, but it's not. I don't want to leave. ever.

We went to Naomi's early and gave them some of the supplies my moms class sent with us, and left around 12:30 and ate at a place called "mama's"...... interesting place. We went to IDP after eating, and I got to see Brian. He came right up to me for me to hold him. Harmonee, Sara, and I took him, Beyonce and his cousin Ian in a classroom and got to give them all shoes!! Bryan had only one shoe on, which was more than any of the other days when he had none on at all. It was incredible watching them get SHOES... their only pair. That slapped me in the face...thinking about all the shoes I have, most that I don't even wear.

Saying goodbye was tough. And with not knowing what will happen with the Naomi's situation & Brian and Beyonce...much less with them in general at all,  it was even harder. I'm not good with goodbyes in the first place so this situation didn't help any. I'm still trying not to think and pray negatively about all of this but instead trust God to take care of these babies... and do what HE knows is best. But it's so hard sometimes.... like what do you do when that's not his plan? God is still God and God is still good.... but why these babies? and why why why..... and I'll probably never know the answer to these questions of why them. Why Bryan and Beyonce. But He has a bigger and better plan than I can even imagine. I have to remember He is SOVEREIGN. afdbkajNfl I really can't process my thoughts right now.

I'm gonna miss all my little ones at Naomi's too, so so so so much.

Goodbyes really stink.


I am trying to work it out where I get to take my compassion child, Christine, her backpack of surprises I fixed for her to the compassion center tomorrow before we go to the airport.

day ten.

[ come be the fire inside of me. come be the flame upon my heart. You won't relent until you have it ALL. my heart is yours. ]

This morning the first group left. We had to say goodbyes, and so it's kinda starting to hit me we are about to have to go home too.

We went to Naomi's after everyone else left, and it was chai time for the kiddos. I got to sneak and see Kimberly, Sunni, and Erick though :)
                                               

After, the teachers had a meeting so they needed us to watch the classes. I went and helped with the early elementary kids. My class was the bomb. They were doing their math work and I had to check and grade what they did. They are all so smart! Just about all of them knew what they were doing and how to do it.

When the teachers finished their meeting, we went to IDP and fed the kids lunch (not the porridge.) It actually smelled kinda good. It looked a lot better than the porridge at least. I found my baby Bryan and got to feed him his lunch. But right after I fed him his grandma made him leave. Today, I found out him and his sister Beyonce's story. I'm in tears right now taking all of this in. Bryan and Beyonce are two of ten orphans. Thy live in an IDP house.. all ten of the orphans... with their HIV positive grandmother. Who is very sick, and there is no telling how much longer she will survive. Since she is this sick, she can hardly care for herself...much less ten children. (The grandmother is very sweet though and does love her grandchildren. It is just the state she is in that is unhealthy for the kids to be around.) So the 10 grandkids + 1 HIV positive grandmother live in this house. PLUS her other daughter and her son Ian (Bryan & Beyonce's aunt and cousin.)  THEREFORE, 10 orphans+HIV grandma+1 aunt+1 cousin=13 PEOPLE living in a house the size of my kitchen or smaller. That doesn't work!!!!!!! It can't! Seriously yall.... just imagine that. WE CAN'T. We have absolutely no idea how it is to live that way. 

BUT, there is a God-thing that might be possible.... with many prayers. Some of the leaders in our group have talked with Bob and Julie with Naomi's Village about them, and the social worker for Naomi's is looking into adopting Bryan and Beyonce. But because their grandmother is still in the picture, it changes things.... but is still possible things might work. How incredible would that be to see them get adopted by Naomi's?! If this happens, I will be going back to Naomi's. It would be amazing to see them happy, healthy, and SAFE, after seeing them where they came from... what they were rescued from. It gives me chills to think about. Isn't this what God does with us? He comes when we are in need. In our lowest, in our moments we need rescuing, and saves us! ADOPTS us. ahhhhhh. 

After IDP, we went to eat at FAV's (best restaurant in Africa.) They had friesssss eeek.  Then, we went to Lmuru to get some shoes for Joseph (from IDP's) daughter. She is playing soccer soon and wasn't going to be able to because she didn't have any cleats, so we all pitched in a bought her some cool ones! When we got back we played BS and made smores over the fire. 

Tomorrow is our last day. I'm depressed.

day nine.

Today we went to Namuncha Massai Village. I absolutely am in love with the Massai people. The kids, the women, EVERY ONE. The guys were finishing digging a trench for the bathroom stalls for the school. So, for like an hour the girls got to play with the kids and do whatever. After the kids' break ended, they went back to class, and I was able to go and sit in on a class!!!! It's so different than the classes in America. It's not divided into grades or anything. There are three classes. THREE. For the whole school. It's divided by the age groups, I think. I sat in on the middle aged class. The teacher had the kids sing us like five songs haha. It was adorable.

"You are so faithful, so faithful, so faithful. You are so faithful, all the time."

While I was outside and in the classroom I was attached to a little girl named Naomi. I don't think she could speak one bit of English, but we didn't even seem to pay any attention to that. All we would do was smile and laugh. I tickled her and hugged on her, and whenever we walked into the classroom after their break she held my hand the whole way there. Ahhhh melts my heart. The funniest part about it was when another little girl would try and grab onto my hand she would push them away and then look up at me. 

beautiful Naomi

While we were in the classroom, I got to hand out the bracelets I made to all the kids in the class- which was about 32. Some of the girls from my group who were in there helped tie them on all of them. 

We left the class around lunch and ate, then we got to go up to the church, and the Massai women had a bunch of jewelry laid out on the ground for us to buy. One of the guys from Love Africa is buying the jewelry in bulk and is going to sell it in the United States for more money, and then send the money back to the women! So, we picked out the items we thought would sell the best in America. I got some really cute bracelets and keychains from them. I absolutely love these women. They are all incredible!

Veronica- the pastors wife- dressed me up in all of this jewelry that the women in the Massai tribe wear when they get married!

We ended up getting to go to a near-by village in Namuncha and had the opportunity to go inside a mud house. The one we went in was only the kitchen part (the first picture below is the outside.) When I first walked inside I couldn't see anything. It took my eyes a minute to adjust. But it was tiny. Probably about the size of a walk in closet. Probably smaller. It was almost unbelievable to think they LIVE in that. Really live in a house made of mud and sticks...... when I'm 19 and live in a nice, big apartment. Paying each month what they make in 5 years. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about that. Why are Americans the way we are.

On our way to the village we saw Agnes!!!! The first little girl I met while in Africa. I'm obsessed w her. She is precious. We took pictures and held hands and taught each other handshake chant games (i can't remember what those are called for some reason.) This was a hard day because we orobably won't get to come back here. I don't want to think about all of this at allllll. 

When we told everyone bye, I blew Agnes kisses and all of the girls started blowing kisses. I'm not sure if they even knew what blowing a kiss was until I showed them.

We left at about 4 and on our way back Chris dropped me, May and Lindsey off at the Dukas. I didn't eat dinner tonight...not many of us did haha. We had sweet potato-apple-sausage bake.....and tonight is the first groups last night which is really sad. 

Chris's parents spoke during devos tonight and told us their "story." They are both missionaries in Africa. Their story was incredible, if I had time to type it all- I would. But they encouraged us and reminded us that whatever God calls me to, HE will make a way. HE will open the doors no one but Him can open. It's all HIM. All that I am required to do is to obey. I have absolutely no idea what God is calling me to do. All I know is that I love kids. I love crafts. and I love Jesus. Not sure whether I'll be in art, education, business, design, missions.... or what in ten years. But I pray that I obey God to wherever he leads me and calls me to do.

Two and a half days left here. Wahhh

I'm blessed by this place.